"Wake Me Up When It's All Over..."

It was a long, quiet ride home from the hospital that Sunday afternoon. The empty carseat in the backseat and the anytime access key to the NICU in my purse was a heartbreaking reminder that we weren't bringing our baby girl home with us. I don't think either of us knew how hard it was really going to be to have our family separated. 
After unpacking, organizing, and showering we prepared to head back up to the hospital. We were walking out the door when my phone rang. The number was unknown to us at the time, but we would eventually, and unfortunately, add that number to our contacts as the NICU and watch it take up most of the room in our recent calls. This first phone call from the NICU was Dr. Hart, Portenuef's Neonatologist doctor. He was calling to inform us that they had taken an x-ray of Ellisyn's chest to check up on her lungs. The x-ray revealed that air had escaped from her lungs and was trapped around her heart. This was definitely unexpected and would have to be watched closely. The only solution was to wait it out and hope that it cleared out on its own, as there's not much else the doctor could do on such a small body. Daniel and I went directly to the NICU, saw the x-ray for ourselves, talked with the doctor, and sat beside our sweet Ellisyn's bedside praying that her little body would be able to fight through all of the obstacles that would be put in her way. 

The elevator ride down to the parking lot that night, held close in Daniel's arms, it all hit me. I wanted to be with my baby. I couldn't stand that she was hurting. I didn't want her to be sick. That wasn't how I had pictured my first moments, days, and eventually weeks of motherhood. Instead of going home, we went to my parents house. We embraced, we cried, and we realized that the NICU experience was and would be a "one step forward, two steps back" type of adventure.

The following day, Monday, the air around Ellisyn's heart had remained the same. This was actually good news. Dr. Hart wanted it to stay the same or get smaller, but he certainly didn't want it to get larger. We hadn't been able to hold our darling girl since that first time, and we wouldn't be able to for nearly a week later. The only thing we could do was sit next to her bed and look forward to any kind of progression towards going home. 

Tuesday provided some uplifting news. The air around her heart had gone away, but on the other hand, her breathing was not doing well. The doctors decided to put her on a ventilator to help her little lungs take a break. She was on the ventilator for several days, and although it was "a step back", it was wonderful to see her rest and breath with such ease. 

The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Portenuef Medical Center quickly became our second home. The drive back and forth from the hospital, a cooler of breast milk in my arms and Avicci inevitably on the radio, was second nature. I fell into a routine of going to the hospital, going home to pump, and returning to the hospital again. The Avicci lyrics, "wake me up when its all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older", was the theme song to my days apart from my small, sick babe in the NICU. Daniel went back to work and school, saving his time off for when Ellisyn would actually be home with us. 

The ventilator was removed and Ellisyn was able to be on high flow oxygen. This was exciting. I was delighted to know that I would finally be able to hold her again. This time I got to hold her skin to skin. It was exactly what I needed, but more importantly, it was what she needed. Daniel came to the hospital right after work thrilled to be able to hold her skin to skin as well.

The protocol required to get Ellisyn home by this point consisted of eating a little under two ounces at each feeding, gaining weight, and breathing without any oxygen. These three things seem so simple, but we were told it could take weeks for her to conquer these huge strides in growth and development.  Our hopes were pleasantly surprised, however, when I arrived for her feeding on her two week birthday. She was completely off of oxygen and had been for several hours. I was even more surprised and quite frankly ecstatic when the doctor told me she could come home with us the following day. I immediately called Daniel and he was so excited he left work early so we could prepare everything at home. We called all of our family to tell them the great news, and everyone was really looking forward to finally being able to hold their granddaughter and niece after waiting two long weeks. 

Daniel and I arrived bright and early Saturday morning with our diaper bag and carseat ready to go, but as we walked up to Ellisyn's bedside we noticed she was back on oxygen. She wasn't coming home. This was the ultimate let down, but looking back, I'm thankful the doctors and nurses did what needed to be done to make sure she was really ready to be home. Ellisyn was in the NICU for another week working on her feedings and breathing. 

Throughout all that time Ellisyn had countless visits from grandmas, grandpas, aunts, and uncles. She had a bed filled with stuffed animals and toys and a nursery at home chuck full of gifts from loving family and friends. There wasn't a doubt in anyone's mind whether Ellisyn was loved. Ellisyn met most of her family for the first time in the NICU. She actually had lots of firsts in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. In fact, she even celebrated her first Halloween!

The three weeks Ellisyn was in the NICU, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about monitors, oxygen levels, heart rates, temperatures, and IVs. I also learned the power of prayer, the miracles of modern medicine, and how loved we are by family, friends, and our Heavenly Father. I think about the days I sat in the NICU watching with jealousy as babies got to go home to their families. I also remember, however, walking into the NICU to find the nurses cleaning one of the beds and packing up belongings because that baby had returned home to our heavenly father. Daniel and I were so blessed to only have Ellisyn in the NICU for three weeks. We were so blessed to have the relatively small amount of complications with Ellisyn. We were so blessed to have her here. We were so blessed to bring her home on Friday, November 1st. We were and are so blessed to be a family.